Obsession: For Me

My brain’s evolving – it’s opening up in many ways (thankfully not in a detrimental way like with the Topamax years ago). It’s changing: I’m able to express stuff more than before, and to feel things more. Some of that is helped by higher doses of Neurontin, but other stuff just took time to do. Heck, programming has been the forefront of my thinking for almost 3 years now. So I’ve been thinking of things in different ways than before. Some of that’s in the blog post I wrote today for my blog: https://jahowe.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/bringing-things-together/… some of it is other stuff. For one thing there’s the topic of the blog post, but there is also some other stuff that’s made me go “hm, curious.”

The biggest thing I’ve considered recently is this: I’ve wondered about two different kinds of obsession.

First there’s obsession with wrtiting: when I was writing, yeah I thought of it a LOT. I mean, a lot. I carried around a little idea book, I would scribble down ideas and concepts constantly. I could write wherever, whenever, and I was proud of that ability to some extent – it was rather helpful as a rehabilitative thing. Oh yes, there’s the story of how I got my biggest sale and worked on the thing while rehabbing from Stroke Number 2 in a rehab place. And yes, I freaked out when I couldn’t write – either because of loss of focus or because of loss of the use of my hands. At the same time, I realize now that I was freaking out when I couldn’t do it, because well, it was all that I knew. I’d basically defined myself by something that wasn’t something I loved, but it was just something useful, therapeutic – it was just there. Part of me, but that was it. I’ve said before I didn’t really feel anything one way or another about it, and that was about it. I’d basically gone and defined myself by something that was hollow.

Then, there’s obsession with game design: I think about that a LOT now, just like I thought about writing. The difference is I actually feel stuff about it: I get excited thinking about it. As frustrated as I can get about not figuring out this or that command or bit of code, I STILL get a “want to do this” feeling. If I’m playing a game, I’m constantly thinking “I love what they did here…”, “I don’t like this, I’d never do it myself,” “what could I do differently with this,” “how could I do something like this,” … and so on and so forth. Yeah, all the time. “How did they create that??” is a big question in my mind these days. I go back and scribble down ideas, I code things in and my own programming evolves. And you know what, I’ve also started defining what kinds of platforms I want what games to be in, and what styles: Kritter will be in pixelated art (different from 8-bit, I’ve learned; 8-bit is a very restrictive style, but I was thinking more along the lines of whatever they used for Terraria or Minecraft). Rubikia will be in more of a modern 3d style, so will a newer world I’ve been 

working with lately. And I also have an idea for Soul Garden/Crystal Mts game(s): that one’s going to be partly pixelated, partly modern 3d. I’ve seen Guild Wars 2 do it to some extent, so I know it can be done – I just need to figure out how:).

However, you know it’s different – a very subtle difference, a slight shift in thinking. Very slight, but significant as well. VERY significant. I love what I do now, that’s the important part to me. VERY important. It’s a very different thing, in the long run. I didn’t really have love or fascination about what I did ever before – sure I got excited if I got published, but that’s very different from this. So yeah, I’m obsessed with game design, in all aspects – and I love it.

Which is why I have 2 posts this week:)

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